Inside

i didn't say You could do this.  Get inside of me this intimately.  More completely than when You fill me with Your fingers or Your dick.  i feel violated.  i want to run.  Far.  Fast.  i want to close up my heart and put it back in its corner so my belly will stop hurting.  i want to swallow the words You bring right to the edge of my lips so i don't feel the sweat of panic i get right before i say what i am actually thinking.  i want my mind to race...to make noise and keep me up and worry like it always does...it's too quiet up there when You are around.  You are seconds away from ripping the covers off of me and i'm digging my fingers into the sheets-the thought of cold exposure is making my eyes sting with tears.  i made this bed-this miserable lonely bed-and i had always intended to stay in it Thank You Very Much.  At least i know what's in here with me. 

You make me feel so good i can only respond as i have learned to-with immediate, paralyzing, stomach-heaving fear and the kind of secret desperate want that lives in every part of every bit of a person.  More than anything, i fear You will find the closet.  The one with the bulging door and the triple dead bolt.  It is where i keep...Everything.  Fear, hurt, panic, shame, hate, anger...everything i haven't had the time or ability to deal with.  Every feeling i have ever put aside in favor of functioning.  Every fucked up thing i don't want to look at.  Everything i fear will break me goes in there.  Everything i fear will make me unlovable...goes in there.  Wherever You wander inside of me seems to open for You and the idea of that door opening makes me feel like i may vomit.  i am terrified...and all i want is for You to hold me.

You are the scariest person i know, Daddy.  Not because of Your toys or Your play but because i know now that if You ask it of me i would give myself, expose myself, in ways i never have before and had never planned to at all.