How to be a Lady

Generally, i am not one to chime in on public debates.  my feeling has always been that my opinion is best expressed privately to Those i am certain want to hear it and who i know value the ability to disagree peacefully over the self-congratulatory feeling of being "right".  However, after reading a certain writing on Fetlife, i find i can't quite bite my tongue hard enough-so excuse me while i have myself a rant.

i don't consider myself an authority on anything really, but i do my up-most to behave gracefully.  i consider myself a lady, and as such i feel i can say one thing with certainty-that's bullshit.  Being a lady has almost nothing to do with anything in that post.  What most of those bullet points so neatly lay out are the surface-level expectations of one particular person who puts their seal of approval on the Donna-Reid-Clone Lady Factory.  If that's what turns You on, fantastic.  If that's what turns Your partner on, good on You for Your efforts.  It still has absolutely fuck-all to do with what makes a person a lady.

Yes, i said fuck-all.

Keep Your house however makes You comfortable.  Be naked in any way You're comfortable.  Say and wear what You want.  Be as hairless as one of those crazy sphinx cats or a fully natural hippie chick.  Your talents are Yours to identify as You wish and to use as You wish-and hosting a party need not be one of them.  You don't have to cook either.  Create a relationship dynamic that is right for You and Your partner-the royal treatment, while certainly not excluded, is definitely not mandatory.

Some things about this writing are slightly less wrong.  You shouldn't hate men for being men....but not hating people simply because of their sex or gender identity is just part of not being an asshat.  You are not however obligated, as that bullet point implies, to put up with unacceptable behavior because "boys will be boys".

i do agree that airing Your dirty laundry in public is not a good idea-it's usually not consensual, and creates drama which no one likes.  That being said, You are not a golden retriever.  If You have an issue, it is not about being disloyal, it is about Your wants and needs.  It is always, always appropriate to talk to Your partner about Your wants and needs.  It is even appropriate, with their permission, to seek guidance from other people.  If there is any risk of danger or abuse, run-don't-walk a person You can trust and loyalty can suck it.

Finally there is the point that You shouldn't apologize for Your femininity.  That is absolutely right on.  Whatever Your femininity looks like-clean or dirty house, in dress or in pants, whatever Your physical sex and orientation-if You have femininity You should rock it Your way. 

Being a lady isn't about what You do with Your hair or Your house or Your sexy bits.  It isn't about anything on the outside at all.  As Emily Post Herself said, "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

If You want to be a lady i think it's all about what is on the inside.  Be sincere and honest-about Yourself and to other people.  Be considerate and aware of  those around You.  Be mindful and present, slow to anger and quick to forgive. Treat others as they would like to be treated, even if You wish to be treated differently.

And of course, don't let anyone decide for You what being a lady looks like.

Not even me.